Subjective
means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
For my fourth birthday
I was given a toy makeup kit
Filled wIth plastic replicas of eye shadows,
Lipsticks and nail polish.
A toy that was designed to help me learn
About what being a pretty girl meant in our world.
I was so proud of that toy.
One morning, as I pretended to put on my makeup
Like you did every day,
I looked at you and said,
“Mommy, I’m getting pretty like you.”
You spun around at me
Pulled yourself up to THE haughtiest 5’10” arrogant stance you could and said,
“You WILL NEVER be as pretty as me.”
“You WILL NEVER be as smart as me.”
“Your Father will never love you as much as he loves me because he likes
Thin, dark-haired, dark-eyed girls which you are NOT and NEVER WILL BE.’
“But I’m only being SUBJECTIVE”
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
SUBJECTIVE…
Subjective. I did not know what that word meant,
But I knew you meant to hurt me,
And you did hurt me
Over and over again through the years
You crushed my little four-year-old soul that day
And you were okay with it.
You meant to do it.
I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.
How long had you hated me?
How much did you resent me?
Before you decided it was okay to spew those words at me?
It took me another ten years
And hearing that word over and over again
Before I was able to use a dictionary and look it up.
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
I was ugly, stupid
and no one would ever want me.
Over years you told me,
“You are not college material.”
“Boys will only like you for your boobs.”
“You embarrass us with your looks.”
“But I’m only being subjective.”
My entire fifth grade year
you denied me breakfast and dinner
Only allowing me to eat lunch at school
Because at 5’5” and 135 pounds,
I was “disgustingly fat and it was
Clear to you that I had no friends because of that.”
You broke me every chance you could
But you were being SUBJECTIVE
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
At 13, when I wanted to take swimming lessons
At the Country Club that Father thought would be a good idea
You said, “No.”
Because I was too fat to go in public in a swimsuit
I would embarrass myself and you.
So I never learned how to swim
And still do not know how.
But you were being Subjective
The opinion of my mother
Who should have been building me up and making me
Believe in myself
Hated me and thought I was stupid and disgusting and unloveable.
Because you hated yourself so much
And you saw me as a reflection and extension of you.
The word subjective became a symbol of my childhood
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
And like most abuse, it escalated into physical abuse
At ten years old, you stood in my bedroom door
And told me I had to wear long pants and
a long sleeved sweater to school in the New Mexico heat
So no one could see the bruises and marks
you let Father cover my arms and legs with
When he let his rage go out of control
After YOU egged him on with lies
about things I had not done
You said, “You don’t want people to see
how we have to punish you and leave marks on you
Because then they will know what a bad, horrible child you are,
AND what your Father and I have to put up with
But I’m only Being SUBJECTIVE.
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
Seriously, what kind of mind fuckery is that?
You were very smart and manipulative
and an expert at destroying people with words
I know you were dealing with your own trauma
But that did not make it okay to systematically destroy your only child
With beatings, and the destruction of my toys and personal belongings
And standing back and letting Father physically abuse me
With a sadistic gleam in your eye
You loved hitting me more than hugging me
I watched you spew hatred to others also
You were a beast to your sisters
Mocking them and making fun of them every chance you got
And God forbid if one of your students was not “perfect.”
The ones you thought deserved your attention, had loving attention lavished on them.
The attention I so wanted and needed but wasn’t good enough forBut you were being SUBJECTIVE
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
But if your students did not meet your standards,
You would come home and mock and belittle them in front of me
The ones you called the “less thans.”
Helpless children who had been entrusted in your care
Children you had been tasked to nurture, teach and guide
But If they were not as “smart” and “witty” or
“attractive” as you thought they should be
Or if they had any sort of disability, mental or physical
You claimed that they were worthless, and
faking their disabilities and
You bragged about how you made their lives miserable by
Making them write sentences
Over and over again
For minor classroom infractions.
Humiliation was your stock in trade
But you were only being SUBJECTIVE
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
And as an adult when I confronted you about your behavior
You told me, “God expects you to forgive me.”
That is what “The Bible says.”
“You are to forgive and you are to HONOR your mother and father.
The Fifth Commandment
If I broke the fifth commandment I was damned
“If you don’t forgive us, you will go to hell.”
You damned me to hell and used God
To excuse your inability to not control yourself and brutalize me
However, over time, through experience and life
I realized what you were
And it was exactly what you did not want others to realize
You were just a pathetic, horribly damaged person who
Deserved nothing but pity and avoidance,
Pity, Mother, you deserve pity.
But hell, Mother, now, I’m just being Subjective
Subjective means, “based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions”
